018

Ok, no more emo-tastic me. Not for now anyways. I'm getting through things as best I can right now. My sister and her boyfriend have been living with us since the beginning of December (they were robbed, their housemate gave the extra key to some goons that broke in and stuff; everyone was fine) and they'll be gone by the thirty-first. I can't wait! I'm fond of my sister, sure, but her boyfriend is a dick. And I like their cats - I've grown rather fond of his cat, actually - but they're just animals and I'll be fine.

January second is the next "art day" at the thrift store, so that'll be fun. Provided I don't have to monitor too many puntable children. Then on the fourth or something, I have to go to a therapist. Might be a good idea (considering my last post) but I hope she doesn't expect me to talk to her about anything. I'll sit there, complacent, bemused, and tell her whatever I need to so that I can leave. It worked for the last shrink! My mother should realize I do not want to talk to a damn psychologist. Oh well.

Umm, what else. Boyfriend is sort of my boyfriend again? Or at least we've begun all this chaos all over again, and we're trying ... I'm not sure what we're trying, that's part of what we're figuring out. So far things are alright, I'm just a little tentative about it since getting dumped is so painful and I half expect it to happen again (and it probably will). That's OK. Well, no, it isn't, it's painful and dreadful and all of that. However he's always had a future and I've never had one, and I think that is what I'm OK with. Maybe I should talk to that shrink, eh? Haha.

I wrote about my dad losing his job, right? I'm too lazy to read back and check up on that. He did, anyhow. And then my mom found out that one of the locations she works at is closing on the one day she works... in that... location... (making sense?) So she's down to one place, cut hours, etc. Woooo job issues. Money issues. Feeding the family issues~

Like I said, I'm workin' on it.

017

I'm tired of being sad. 

I'm tired of this place.

I'm tired of being useless.

I'm tired of having no motivation.

I'm tired of being alive.

I'm tired of wasting my time.

I'm tired of being alone.

I'm tired of holding it all in.

I'm tired.

016

Out of a moment of curiosity I looked up the ranking system for art schools. This lead me nowhere, really, except a website that would only show me American schools (no matter how many times I said I was in Canada.) but whatever, I moved on. Next I looked up art schools that focus on illustration, and I found this place. The link I found landed me on their information page for their Illustration course, of course. And that's when I realized, I found what I want to do. I already do this stuff, I draw a lot, I use graphic software, I'm teaching myself how to speedpaint and to color lineart and all that, and I make posters/advertising for work - but I could do this course and my school worries would be gone.

I checked what was available in BC for such a course, and that brought me to a rather sad list; Vancouver Community College, Vancouver University for something-or-other, and a few random small institutions. Not my cup of tea - Emily Carr wasn't even listed, which was odd. I always took EC to be more of a traditional school? I know they have computer based courses and all of that, but. I dunno, that school + technology never really clicked in my head. The only other schools are in Ontario and Quebec - and that Sheridan one is one of the Ontario selections. (I don't like french, I can't speak it, so, Quebec although a pretty word, is not a choice for me).

I still have that one Emily Carr course I'm starting in January, the online one. However, it is transferable...

015

News has just reached me that my father has lost his job. He recieved his termination notice today - what does this mean? Obviously, no more work for him. He used to work full time as a mechanic, then cut down to part time while my mother also worked, she is a tutor at Sylvan - bouncing between two different locations. When he worked full time it was great, but he's too old now, full time work makes him exhausted and he's deteriorating in to a shadow of a man. So when he cut down to part time, that was good for him. Not so good financially for the family, but it kept him going. Now he's been terminated. What are we supposed to do? He can't get a job, or at least I don't think he should, since he should retire anyways. Mum says it's manditory that I get a job now, which I agree with but I'm still very tentative about. She didn't ask Eric to get one - he has school, and that's enough of an issue for him - Geoffrey can't do it, he can only get so many hours a week before his disability funding is cut off... So I've effectively been told to replace my Dad. I just don't know how to do that.

I'm kind of shocked that he's suddenly  been terminated like this. It's ironic that it happened now, after he bought a giant TV, a three wheeler, and was going to get a satellite dish... My parents took some money out of the RRSPs to pay down their debt, and then BOOM he buys all this shit. And now he's lost his job. He had that job since we moved here when I was two. Holy shit, has this really happened?

Watch the shock fade away and panic set in. It's going to happen soon, just wait.

(This is just what I need. Three cheers for chaos.)