We are going to backtrack a little bit for this entry, since it is still very early in this day and nothing worthwhile shall happen. Yesterday, my younger brother was in a Jiu Jitsu competition and he placed fourth - his match was in Burnaby, at BCIT, and it was three minutes long. We stayed for six hours afterwards to watch everyone else compete. That was interesting, moderately entertaining, and all that jazz. Then I got home and had a two hour nap (I had been awake since six thirty, you see) and then my friend C wanted to hang out. So we did, she came over and we went out, wandered, picked up some coolers (she got Mike's cans of something, I got Mike's hard lemonade), wandered back to my house, and watched a movie.

In the middle of such wandering I got a phone call from my ex-boyfriend. He was drunk. He isn't usually a drinker, or a party kid, but I guess things change. I asked him if he was drunk and he didn't give me a straight answer, twice. This annoyed me and I told him I would hang up if he didn't answer the question - to which his response was, "Don't hang up, that's mean. I can call you, we're BFFs right?" Of course, one cannot witness the roll of the eyes when one is not in direct line of sight... So sure, we can be BFFs, you can call me since we're friends. But that really pushed my buttons. It was probably what he wanted, he always just wants reactions out of me - Right now, I don't care if it was the reaction he wanted or not. Yes, I'm angry that he tossed aside the whole concept he carried for so long, the "drinking is bad! Alcohol is bad! Don't do that, I dislike it for no apparent reason!" brilliance that he concocted. 

Okay, so I'm ranting a bit. I've been awake for about an hour and I'm quite a mess; sickness wise, along with sleep deprivation and this heart that I just can't get working properly. I wonder now if there is a repair shop for such a place; hospitals would have no way to cure this ache, and that is all I can think of. God why am I such a moron - first I fall for a guy I can't have, then he wants me, then when I fully understand that I want him, he leaves. Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I seem to have gotten through the initial hurt of the event. Coupled with this, I'm moving on to more anger. Is that an improvement?

And then I fell asleep. I have now woken up and thought about my behavior, and I regret it. It's silly though - I don't know precisely why I'm acting crazy at him, or in his direction. I should get over all of this. I mean, it's unfair of me to be a bitch when we were both drinking last night; I wasn't drunk enough to call my ex, of course, but. It's a bit of a double standard to get mad at him for drinking when I go out and drink (I still have three coolers left, hah). I don't know.. This is me turning back in to my old self, not knowing why I do the things I do. I feel like I should apologize but I know that some people out there will tell me I should not. I've got a few friends telling me never to text him again, and it's tiring me out to have to listen to so many people. I have to listen though, since I don't know what to do.

More rambling! This is why I stopped blogging on insanejournal. Ugh.

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